The holidays are upon us and this can be a challenging time of year, not to mention even more challenging when experiencing post-election stress. Drowning in spiked-eggnogs and getting into a political screaming match with Uncle Frank will only snowball the negative emotions, trust me. So how do you keep cool and avoid conflict this holiday? Read on…
A client recently asked me to help him handle invasive, inappropriate, or awkward questioning and comments from a family member. This can be a challenging situation, but there are ways to navigate it. Here are some ideas:
Reflect on triggers and stay mindful: Take some time to identify specific questions or topics that trigger discomfort or are a pattern of unease. Understanding your triggers can help you be better prepared to respond calmly and assertively. This can help you to stay centered when managing the discomfort or anxiety that can arise. In the moment, deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or repeating a calming mantra can help you stay present.
Use humor or redirection: Sometimes asserting for a pause to ponder, changing the subject, or using humor can diffuse tension and shift the conversation away from awkward topics or help recover from awkward moments. You can respond with a lighthearted comment or make a joke to redirect the conversation. Excusing yourself to the restroom, to get a tissue, or physically shifting or moving can initiate a conversation or mood change.
Exit gracefully: If a conversation becomes too uncomfortable or you’re repeatedly faced with comments or questions despite your efforts to set boundaries, it’s okay to gracefully exit the conversation. Remember that you have the right to disengage from conversations and remove yourself from the situation or change the topic.
Use “I” statements: Express your feelings and thoughts using “I” statements. This approach can help you communicate your boundaries without coming across as confrontational or accusatory. For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable discussing that topic,” or “I prefer to keep that information private.” This approach helps to convey your perspective without sounding confrontational.
Repeat the comment or question to them as a question: For example, if someone asks, “Why are you STILL looking for a job?” Say, “Did you ask me why I am still looking for a job?” or “Can you repeat that?” This can add pause and a clarification or even a retreating of the original inquiry. This can be especially helpful when people are being mean or inappropriate – it gives them an opportunity to immediately reconsider what they said or asked, and why.
Practice active listening: When faced with a negative comment or an invasive question, actively listen to the underlying concern or intention behind it. Sometimes family members may be projecting their own fears onto you or are seeking connection or expressing genuine curiosity, albeit in an intrusive manner. Responding with empathy and understanding can help.
Provide a brief response and prepare beforehand: If you’re comfortable sharing some information but not the whole story, offer a concise or general response. This allows you to acknowledge the question without divulging too much personal information. Beforehand, think about how you want to address the situation and rehearse your answers. This can increase your confidence and make it easier in the moment.
Dealing with awkward topics or invasive questions can be emotionally draining. Prioritize self-care to maintain your well-being. This includes before and after the event or gathering. Engage in activities that help you relax, recharge, and process any negative emotions that may arise from these interactions. Turn to emotional regulation and coping skills – breathing, mindfulness, journaling, talking to those who are supportive, nutrition, exercise, hydration, good sleep, doing activities that bring you joy, pets, nature, art, music, etc.
Lastly, understand that it will take time. Changing family dynamics and communication patterns is not instantaneous. Be patient with yourself and your family members as you work towards establishing healthier boundaries, understanding, and respectful communication. Consistently enforcing your boundaries (reminding family members about off limit topics) and responding assertively can help shift the dynamics over time.
If you need extra support this holiday season, why not try talk therapy? Therapy is confidential and can be done online from the privacy of your home. If you live in Texas contact me for a free 15-minute therapy consultation – yvonne@viescatxs.com